- Home
- Home and Family
- An Editorial on Newsweek's "Does Having Children Make You Happy?"
An Editorial on Newsweek's "Does Having Children Make You Happy?"
- By Jackie Day
- Published 07/8/2008
- Home and Family
Jackie Day
Jackie grew up on a farm near Fairfield, Montana. She graduated from Brigham Young University in Business Finance. She is married and has three children under age 7 and now lives in Utah near her husband's family. She loves to read, cook, quilt, research her ancestry, and write. Jackie is a member in good standing of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and loves the happiness and peace the gospel brings to her everyday, otherwise hectic life.
View all articles by Jackie Day
I read an interesting article in Newsweek while sitting in a waiting room yesterday. I disagreed with it but when I went to leave a comment on their website, it only allowed a few lines of commentary. So here is the Editorial that Might Have Been. I encourage anyone who agrees with me to leave comments as well. The article is found at Does Having Children Make You Happy?
The author of the article is trying to stir the pot by trying to answer this true or false type question. She cites a lot of controversial statistics about how married people with children are less happy than singles or marrieds without children. She concludes that the statement "Having Children Makes You Happy" is false (even though she has children of her own.) Although I agree with her to the extent that nothing MAKES you happy if you are determined to be unhappy, the cultural idea behind this article is frightening. Pres. Monson said in his talk, "A Sanctuary from the World" (February 9, 2008, Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting: Building Up a Righteous Posterity), that "messages surround us which contradict all that we hold dear--enticing us to turn from that which is 'virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy' and embrace the thinking which often prevails outside the gospel of Jesus Christ." This article is certainly one of those messages swirling around us."
A big problem is that the world does not often distinguish between pleasure and abiding joy, or realize that it is possible to have both, but not always at the same time. There was once a well-known couple who faced the decision whether or not to have children. Where would we be without them? "And they would have had no children, wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery, doing no good, for they knew no sin....Adam [and Eve] fell that men might be, and men are, that they might have joy" (2 Ne 2:23-25). Adam and Eve made a huge sacrifice as parents, as do each of us who choose to multiply and replenish the earth. Sacrifice is another word the world doesn't define very well. It means giving up something good for something better.
Another enormous part of having joy AND children comes with understanding the truth about life as a three-act play. This life is only the second act, where sometimes babies die or children become estranged. They cause us to change our plans and dreams; they cause us to work hard for little thanks or reward. I hope that your second act is going better than this, but face it, sometimes it is rather dismal. Don't forget, the third act is much, much better, and it goes on forever in happy families. The curtain never drops on that blissful stage.
A novel I am reading has a scene between the protagonist and a bereaved mother. The somewhat atheistic hero asks the mother if she would have children all over again, knowing they would be taken from her and she would have no one. She replies heroically, "I have someone to grieve for. Do you?" I think hell itself would be to be left "without root or branch" (Mal. 4:1).
I agree that the "swinging" single life or the life without children has many wonderful opportunities. I hope that single and childless people will be happy because they are also entitled to it. But I think they will find that something very essential is missing. "But when we have sampled much and have wandered far and have seen how fleeting and sometimes superficial a lot of the world is, our gratitude grows for the privilege of being part of something we can count on--home and family and the loyalty of loved ones...We learn that nothing can fully take the place of the blessed relationship of family life." (Thomas S. Monson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Feb. 9 2008).
Maybe the unhappiness found in so many families today is not evidence of a childless life being happier, but instead a sign that we as a society are failing to train, support, and give encouragement for those who are making the more selfless choice by living a family life. I would be hard-put to find a good mother role model in our current books, movies, magazines and pop culture. Perhaps "Elastigirl" from Pixar's The Incredibles. I absolutely love the scene where the Incredibles family is at the neighborhood barbecue and some careerist woman is whining about how she could never have children, she would have to give up her very important work. Elastigirl, who is living incognito, retired from such an unimportant career as saving the world, gives the woman a good tongue-lashing and really takes her apart. She stands up for motherhood as the most important work there is. What? You don't remember that part of the film? That's because it was cut from the movie and only made it onto the DVD extras in sketch form. I wonder why?
I am so grateful to belong to a church that provides the truth about parenthood and then gives the support and reassurance I need while making these sacrifices. M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, "There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony, and frustration. Mothers may feel they receive little or no appreciation for the choice they have made...As a church, we have enormous respect and gratitude to you mothers of young children. We want you to be happy and successful in your families and to have the validation and support you need and deserve" ("Daughters of God", Ensign, May 2008, Vol. 38, Number 5, p.109).
My heart goes out to all those parents who report being unhappy. The article discussed many possible reasons, (including stress from having both parents in the workplace, and I agree), but offered no solution to all this misery. Here is a lifesaver to all those sinking families, one that I rely on all the time when I feel I might drown in all this sacrifice and responsibility. Are you ready? "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, released Sept. 23, 1995 by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).
I need to watch myself a little more with the things I say about being a parent--to rejoice a little more and complain, even jokingly, a little less. If we could each do that, perhaps those who are trying to validate their lifestyle will not tear down those of us who are working, loving, and yes, even triumphantly laughing in this greatest of causes.
--Jackie Day, "surprisingly" happy mother of three young children
The author of the article is trying to stir the pot by trying to answer this true or false type question. She cites a lot of controversial statistics about how married people with children are less happy than singles or marrieds without children. She concludes that the statement "Having Children Makes You Happy" is false (even though she has children of her own.) Although I agree with her to the extent that nothing MAKES you happy if you are determined to be unhappy, the cultural idea behind this article is frightening. Pres. Monson said in his talk, "A Sanctuary from the World" (February 9, 2008, Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting: Building Up a Righteous Posterity), that "messages surround us which contradict all that we hold dear--enticing us to turn from that which is 'virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy' and embrace the thinking which often prevails outside the gospel of Jesus Christ." This article is certainly one of those messages swirling around us."
A big problem is that the world does not often distinguish between pleasure and abiding joy, or realize that it is possible to have both, but not always at the same time. There was once a well-known couple who faced the decision whether or not to have children. Where would we be without them? "And they would have had no children, wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery, doing no good, for they knew no sin....Adam [and Eve] fell that men might be, and men are, that they might have joy" (2 Ne 2:23-25). Adam and Eve made a huge sacrifice as parents, as do each of us who choose to multiply and replenish the earth. Sacrifice is another word the world doesn't define very well. It means giving up something good for something better.
Another enormous part of having joy AND children comes with understanding the truth about life as a three-act play. This life is only the second act, where sometimes babies die or children become estranged. They cause us to change our plans and dreams; they cause us to work hard for little thanks or reward. I hope that your second act is going better than this, but face it, sometimes it is rather dismal. Don't forget, the third act is much, much better, and it goes on forever in happy families. The curtain never drops on that blissful stage.
A novel I am reading has a scene between the protagonist and a bereaved mother. The somewhat atheistic hero asks the mother if she would have children all over again, knowing they would be taken from her and she would have no one. She replies heroically, "I have someone to grieve for. Do you?" I think hell itself would be to be left "without root or branch" (Mal. 4:1).
I agree that the "swinging" single life or the life without children has many wonderful opportunities. I hope that single and childless people will be happy because they are also entitled to it. But I think they will find that something very essential is missing. "But when we have sampled much and have wandered far and have seen how fleeting and sometimes superficial a lot of the world is, our gratitude grows for the privilege of being part of something we can count on--home and family and the loyalty of loved ones...We learn that nothing can fully take the place of the blessed relationship of family life." (Thomas S. Monson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Feb. 9 2008).
Maybe the unhappiness found in so many families today is not evidence of a childless life being happier, but instead a sign that we as a society are failing to train, support, and give encouragement for those who are making the more selfless choice by living a family life. I would be hard-put to find a good mother role model in our current books, movies, magazines and pop culture. Perhaps "Elastigirl" from Pixar's The Incredibles. I absolutely love the scene where the Incredibles family is at the neighborhood barbecue and some careerist woman is whining about how she could never have children, she would have to give up her very important work. Elastigirl, who is living incognito, retired from such an unimportant career as saving the world, gives the woman a good tongue-lashing and really takes her apart. She stands up for motherhood as the most important work there is. What? You don't remember that part of the film? That's because it was cut from the movie and only made it onto the DVD extras in sketch form. I wonder why?
I am so grateful to belong to a church that provides the truth about parenthood and then gives the support and reassurance I need while making these sacrifices. M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, "There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony, and frustration. Mothers may feel they receive little or no appreciation for the choice they have made...As a church, we have enormous respect and gratitude to you mothers of young children. We want you to be happy and successful in your families and to have the validation and support you need and deserve" ("Daughters of God", Ensign, May 2008, Vol. 38, Number 5, p.109).
My heart goes out to all those parents who report being unhappy. The article discussed many possible reasons, (including stress from having both parents in the workplace, and I agree), but offered no solution to all this misery. Here is a lifesaver to all those sinking families, one that I rely on all the time when I feel I might drown in all this sacrifice and responsibility. Are you ready? "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, released Sept. 23, 1995 by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).
I need to watch myself a little more with the things I say about being a parent--to rejoice a little more and complain, even jokingly, a little less. If we could each do that, perhaps those who are trying to validate their lifestyle will not tear down those of us who are working, loving, and yes, even triumphantly laughing in this greatest of causes.
--Jackie Day, "surprisingly" happy mother of three young children
Share / Bookmark This Page
5 Comments about "An Editorial on Newsweek's "Does Having Children Make You Happy?""
|
said this on 09 Jul 2008 12:01:39 PM MST
Thank you for your insightful observations. Imagine how much damage this idea could cause to our culture if more and more couples decide to shun the responsibilities and joys of parenthood. The article doesn't really consider the long-term joys of children and grandchildren, just the immediate sacrifice. As such, it is a worthless inquiry. The author might just as well have asked, "Is it fun to save for retirement?" Well . . . no, it isn't. But that doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile in the long run. You could easily interview people who will tell you how unpleasant it is to sacrifice now to save for retirement later. You could point out all of the things people could buy now, instead of saving for retirement. What a waste of paper that would be.
I am sad for couples who deliberately choose not to have children so that they can enjoy their own selfish pursuits. They don't realize that they are giving up one of the only true joys in life now, and relinquishing family enjoyment in their old age (not to mention the eternities). They choose to miss the happiness of seeing a child take his first step, the proud moment of seeing a daughter graduate from college, the joy of a sloppy kiss from a grandchild, or the satisfaction of leaving a legacy through their posterity. Who will visit them in the nursing home? Who will morn when they are gone? They may be having fun now, but they are robbing themselves of future happiness. Let me just say a word about those who are unable to have children or who have never had the opportunity to marry--those who have no children of their own, not by selfish choice but by circumstance. Since they are not motivated by selfishness, they often choose to include neighbors and extended family into their circle of love. This brings the above blessings and joys of family into their lives and brings meaning to their future. |
Author/Admin)|
said this on 21 Jul 2008 10:42:13 AM MST
Caring for, nurturing, and teaching children is a HUGE responsibility and sacrifice. As such, it brings a correspondingly HUGE amount of happiness. As the article pointed out, raising children takes time, money, and effort. It often requires us to do things we would not ordinarily do, or to give up things we would rather be doing at the time. However, the depth of emotion that I feel for my children and the love that I receive back is worth any sacrifice. You are right, the world has a hard time distinguishing between long-term happiness and short-term pleasure. The kind of happiness that lasts takes effort and commitment. Love given away to others comes back, with interest; love showered on self is lost forever.
|
|
said this on 02 Aug 2008 2:53:58 PM MST
Thanks for bringing this to our attention. My children bring so much happiness to me. They also cause an increase in enthusiasm, idealism, optimism and freshness to all of us as a society. A world without children would be full of sadness and pessimism.
|
|
said this on 17 Apr 2011 11:45:26 PM MST
I really hate reading about how joyless and doomed my future is. I can't have children and am deemed too old to adopt. I might as well end it all now, if I have nothing positive to contribute or look forward to in old age. Thanks for all your confirmations that this is the case. You easily condemn as selfish not reproducing and in so doing you also damn me. What is selfless about that?
|
|
said this on 18 Apr 2011 4:36:43 PM MST
Dear Sophie:
Thank you for your comment. I sincerely apologize if any of the above comments made you feel selfish or worthless. That was certainly not intended. This article was a response to a Newsweek story which implied that couples are happier if they choose not to have children. The article doesn’t apply to you at all because it is about people making selfish choices. You haven’t had the opportunity to make a choice. So, there is nothing selfish about your situation. The idea that children reduce happiness is a false notion that is growing in popularity as the world drifts away from the traditional emphasis on the family as the fundamental unit of society to one that promotes personal pleasure and convenience as the only measure of happiness. The purpose for the article was to encourage couples who are otherwise able to have children to reject this idea that children reduce happiness. In the restored gospel, we are blessed with the knowledge that God’s ultimate purpose and joy relates to his role as parent—to help and bless His children to achieve the gift of exaltation. The Lord said, “For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” (Moses 1:39) Prophets throughout the ages have preached the importance of families and encouraged young people not to put off marriage and children. In the church, we promote the ideal of the family, married with children, as the ideal unit of society. That doesn’t mean that this ideal will be possible for every individual. Some, like yourself, are physically unable to have children. Others, have not had the opportunity to marry and have a family. Still others have to deal with circumstances such as mental or physical handicaps, which may preclude them from having a family of their own. But that doesn’t mean we should throw out the ideal. It is there to guide people’s choices, not to be used to beat up those who do not have choices. No one should feel inferior or left out when circumstances prevent them from achieving the ideal in this life. The challenge of life is for each of us to do the best we can within the circumstances in which we have been placed on this earth, not becoming bitter but instead trusting in the Lord’s promises and love. I realize that occasionally even in the church people make comments that are thoughtless or unintentionally offensive to those who are unmarried or childless. It’s unfortunate. We’re trying, but imperfect. Please don’t let the thoughtless comments of a few interfere with your relationship with God. The church as a whole embraces everyone who has a desire to come unto Christ and follow His prophets. I have many friends who, for whatever reason, have not been able to marry or have children. They are unable to choose whether to have a family, but they do get to choose how they will respond. A few have become resentful, decided to trash the ideal in order to make themselves feel better, and eventually drifted away from the church. But most are simply doing all that they can to bring the joys and blessings of family and children into their lives by loving and nurturing those around them, such as nieces and nephews, friends, neighbor children, and ward members. They love these “adopted” family members and, as a result, they receive love and joy in return for their kindness, their sacrifices, and their faith. These wonderful people are not motivated by selfishness, but by love. As a result, their future is bright and their lives are filled with joy. Sophie, your future is not determined by your circumstances. It is determined by your choices. As President Monson said recently, “Fear not, be of good cheer. Your future is as bright as your faith.” Open your heart to those around you and trust God that He will bless you with the love and joy that you desire—now, as you grow older, and into the eternities. |