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The Rules of Life

Good afternoon!

I decided to open this blog to hopefully try to understand myself and my position in this strange world. At  the moment my rose glasses are being taken away and it hurts a lot. I am actually 30 years old and this is already too late to start growing up and changing my romantic, baby-blue dreams into something else, more realistic and serious. It is hard on me though. I live in the Netherlands but thinking of maybe returning back to my home country or going somewhere else.

At the moment I am going through a divorce with my husband. After the divorce I might set off somewhere. It is so weird when your dreams and hopes crush, when all this rosy lovey-dovey thing becomes a piece of an unrealistic fluff which has no value anymore. This makes me feel so sick and devastated. Thinking of forever family and endless love makes you believe that this world is for you alone and this happiness is so big and abundant that it makes you feel too small to be able to accept this all.

I have been married for about 5 years. All this time I wanted to give birth of a child but it would not happen. At first my husband did not want children, saying that we did not have enough money to raise them, and then, when I eventually convinced him of it and got pregnant, I miscarried. For a long while I was not ready to get pregnant again. It was so hard on me. But then I decided to try again only my husband was not ready to do that. However I did convince him and I got pregnant. My pregnancy lasted through all the 3 dangerous months and I got so happy when I passed that 12 weeks period!!! However 2.5 weeks after I miscarried again.

Only now I understand what a blessing this was! My current bishop calls it a real blessing, well everybody does. My mother, my close friend and even me. Can you imagine calling something like this a blessing? Rediculous, ha? But believe me in this life even this can happen. At first I was furious, bitter and sad. Why? What would I have done now if I had a little child being in a foreign country, trying to get divorced with a man who does not stop making debts, flirts with my girl friends, and basically makes everything possible to make my life complicated? I moved out of  "our" apartment  about 4 months ago, but I do miss my husband still. What do I miss? "What is there to miss?" - people keep saying to me. 

Now, I have decided to move forward with my life, and now trying to do what is right, becoming more independent. Well... I have a job. I have always had one.  I am a freelancer and earn enough to support myself. That is not what I mean saying "independent" though.  I mean the emotional state of being and feelings I still have inside.

I don't know why I opened this blog. Probably I am trying to anonymously pour out my soul in a glimpse of hope to understand life and men. Do I want to get married again? Do I want children? Sometimes things happen to them and they die and then you are confronted with an unbearable grief and misery. My neighbor just lost her two-year-old grand-daughter. It is so sad. What a dark Christmas for her! I know all about letting spirits come to earth to get their bodies and experiences but it does not seem so easy at all. It feels scary. Then you worry about them for the rest of your life and it never leaves you untill you die.

I know my mother, who still takes a complete care of me when I need her support or help. Moreover I won't get a baby without a husband, but at the moment I don't have one or almost don't have one. Do I want another one? I am not sure at all. If most of the men are weird cold-hearted creatures, then I don't have a desire to be involved with them again.

Anyway, time to stop complaining. Next time  I will write something more positive.

Merry Christmas to all of you!!!

Your rosy Dreamer,

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3 Comments about "The Rules of Life"

 
Lucille
said this on 30 Dec 2008 9:06:40 AM CST
Dear Dreamer:
My heart goes out to you as you are going through this difficult time in your life. Sisters from all over the world love you and we feel your pain -- especially on Christmas Eve! Know that our Heavenly Father loves you and we love you as a sister in Zion.
One thing I have learned in life is that we all have devastating trials that come to us. That is part of mortality. Some struggle with marriage issues, as you have; others have crippling diseases or financial reversals or legal problems or death of a loved one, and so on. You may be feeling picked on right now; you may be wondering, "why me?!" But believe me, everyone, sooner or later, has heart-breaking issues to face.
So, the question is not so much about the problem, we all have those, the important issue is: will we allow the problem to turn us from God, to make us become bitter and angry? Or, will we trust in the Lord and draw closer to Him and His church? Will we open our hearts to be healed by the master healer, Christ the Lord? I promise you that if you will trust in him, you will find peace and strength sufficient to see you through any difficult time.

 
Dreamer
said this on 30 Dec 2008 11:43:49 AM CST
Dear Lucille,
Thank you very much for all your kind words and warm feelings your message brought me. I am very confused and don't even understand what I want from my life now. Bitterness is not the right word to describe me and the situation. I am afraid of this tough world and don't trust males at the moment. You are completely right saying about Christ and that life goes on. Yes, everybody has their own "burden" in life they carry. I wish I could understand my circumstances and myself better. That's all.
I don't know what else to add here. I have an image of a family which probably doesn't even exist in this world. The whole situation is very confusing.

 
Lucille
said this on 02 Jan 2009 10:55:42 PM CST
Dear Dreamer:
I know that you are feeling hurt and confused because the image that you have of an ideal family is not working out for you right now. But you need to know that this does not mean that the ideal family cannot exist. I have been married nearly 22 years to a wonderful spouse who loves our family and takes care of us. We are not a perfect family, and we have endured many trials together, but we are happy. Our commitment to the Gospel of Jesus Christ and our temple covenants help us to work together with joy. I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad or to feel like a failure. No one who keeps trying is a failure, only those who give up. I'm telling you this so that you will know that happiness in family life is possible when a marriage is founded on the principles of the gospel. I realize that there are some who, for whatever reason, may never have the blessings of a happy family in this life. Yet, the ideal still exists and will become reality, whether in this life or the next, for those who remain faithful. Don't give up dear sister.




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